letting go of grief

Me and death go back a long way.

Death has played a big part in shaping my ability to face every day with a positive attitude and general tendency to look on the bright side of life. But I've noticed that death has also spread a grey cloud that's been niggling away at my thoughts for a while now. Bringing me down when I'm alone, and making it harder and harder to be that bundle of happy.

After much reflection I'm now aware that I've been grieving, and for longer than I realized. I've taken the time to process this and the act of writing and sharing these thoughts is part of the process that will help me breath and let it go.

The initial impact of this grief hit me when the tsunami wave hit Thailand and surrounding shores in 2004. We were visiting family in the states for the holidays and while we were there paid no attention to any news at all. A media blackout to relax and enjoy our stay.

One night in bed I just started bawling. Uncontrollable sobs wrenching me and my heart feeling crushed. I had no idea why. Poor Mark worried he or someone had done something to upset me, and perhaps I was not being truthful when I said "I don't know what's wrong, but I feel so sad. Like I'm drowning in grief." For hours that night I cried without knowing why my mind was full of images of countless people screaming out for loved ones they couldn't find.

When we returned home and saw a news story on the devastation that the tsunami had caused days before, Mark noted that the time the wave hit was when I began losing myself in tears. I was stunned. Like the collective grief of the victims of that wave had washed across the pacific and found me unawares in Washington state.

The feelings from that moment were so intense they linger today, and have become a piece of my ongoing grief for the turmoil people continue to face from war and environmental chaos on a regular basis around the world.

That night the wave of feeling was like collecting all of the grief I had experienced with death over my lifetime hitting me at once...multiplied exponentially.

My experience began with the smell of death when I was around 9 years old. There was a house that kids in my neighbourhood claimed was haunted. A small bungalow that was run down and very neglected looking, we would tip toe around this place now and then trying to see if we could find any sign of life inside...worried we might get caught by a witch!

But one day we noticed the house had a bad stench we didn't want to get near anymore. Not long after, we passed by to find an ambulance taking away a covered body and heard a grown up nearby filling in the neighbours on how the old woman who lived there had died, and how no one knew until she started decomposing and the mail carrier reported the smell.

The lesson that I learned from that experience was that I didn't ever want to become old and lonely. To die and have no one who missed me enough to realize I wasn't around anymore.

A few years later was the first death of someone I cared about when I was 12. She was 13 and we were hanging out at the park across from her house when she suddenly slumped and dropped to the ground. As soon as I realized she was unresponsive I ran to her house to alert her parents and call an ambulance.

Her death from a brain aneurysm taught me the lesson that life could end in a moment - for no apparent reason even. This was when I consciously chose to enjoy every day and make the best of it no matter what. Maintain an attitude of gratitude for every experience I live through.

By the time I chose to move to Vancouver in '97 at the age of 24, I had mourned the loss of more than 30 people who died from accidents, suicides, murders, illnesses and disease like aids and cancer in only a dozen years. After my arrival on the west coast there was a lucky seven years when no one I knew passed away...but then one of my inspiring mentors lost her struggle with cancer when it came back a third time, and soon after another inspiring mentor died from a heart attack. Then the wave. Death was back. A slow trickle over the years.

I thought I had stopped counting once more than 40 people had passed away, but early in September there was a day when I received news of two amazing people dying on the same day (along with a series of other bad news tales, too much bad news for one day). One from a random accident and one who lost their fight with cancer. I suddenly knew I was one death away from losing 50 friends in my lifetime, and I've been raw with emotion and on the verge of tears non-stop ever since.

Last week I said goodbye to the soul of a generous and kind man who was that 50th person I've been lucky enough to know before their passing, and I was laughing and chatting with him less than an hour from the time of his stroke. "see you next week"

I wonder how it is possible to have mourned the loss of 50 people. Old and young, from all walks of life, before I have even hit 40. Family, close friends, mentors, and my first true love.

Whenever I start to relax and forget about death, it comes back to take another life. Living in a peaceful corner of the world, I hate that I have still come to fear the next day I will receive news of someone dying. The downside to life as a social butterfly who loves meeting new people and who builds strong connections with others so easily.

The many memorials/funerals/wakes I've attended have taught me that death is a fact of life...but it's one that sucks. Sucks air from your lungs and makes breathing difficult when it's someone close to your heart. Wreaks havoc on emotions and mental health while grief has you in its clutches. The passing of even a casual acquaintance can shatter your world for a while when you have become so dependent on there presence in some way. That smile, now only a memory.

The somberness of a funeral is darkest when the loss of life seems meaningless. Random accidents that rob a life too quickly are dark, but not as dark as suicides where every person there wonders if they could have done something/said something differently to make that person choose life. Celebrations of long lives well lived are full of joyful tears to accompany the sorrow. Those who pass from disease usually have the benefit of time to say farewells before they go. Bittersweet because their death means an end to suffering they endured before passing.

Painful and tragic - every death - to those who miss them.

But if you are fortunate enough to have a network of caring around you, the days will slowly get easier. Grey cloud of grief in my head has not been able to cover the daily light I have from shiny happy people around me. That is why it took me so long to realize it was intense grief I was battling inside.

Another part of my grief comes from confronting the reality that I'm now at the age where my close friends are worrying about/suffering heart attacks and other illnesses. One of my best friends, an incredible force of positive energy to all who know him, had a heart attack last year which snapped me out of denial and into my own mid-life reality.
Cancer still consumes more and more people I know (themselves or their loved ones) and many of the elders in my life have reached that age which statistics prepare us for as the end of the average life span.

With all this in mind, my gratitude for every day I can get with friends and family is hard to express.

The biggest grief is my worry over things I can't control for the life of my daughter. Every year she makes it to another birthday celebration I feel blessed that she made it past the lifespan of another child I've known that died too young. This dread will follow me her whole life, but I will have to keep letting her go every day to live her life anyways. The most concise quote I have ever found to descibe the emotions of parenthood:
"Making the decision to have a child is momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."  ~Elizabeth Stone.

My memory of my young friends death went through a perceptual shift once Sasha was born. Standing with her dad while he was on the phone with the ambulance, for the first time I went from simply watching her mom through the window, holding Tammy in her arms. To my ears inside the home, her howls were silent. Now, my heart shatters at what that moment was like for her, and I can hear those screams to the heavens. Worse is when I think of myself ever in that position.

I have an abundance of gratitude for every day that Sasha (and every child and youth in our family tribe) continues to grow, flourish and stumble through life. When words fail me all I can do is get in as many hugs as I can.

I know I will continue to have reason to grieve in the future, but the cloud that has been casting shadows in the back of my mind does not feel like it is suffocating me anymore. The past couple of years of writers block have been due to this wall of grief I couldn't get around/through/over/under. Turns out it wasn't just a wall, it was a mountain disguised as a series of bumps in the road. The summit has been passed and now I'm ready to roll with what lies on the other side.

A determined daily practise of reflecting on the countless things I'm full of gratitude for is my key. I love my family, friends, community, where I work - everything. This is what has always kept me afloat. Its hard to really be sad when you have so much in your life that genuinely makes you happy. The good news I have never lost sight of that. And now that I have acknowledged the grief that was building within me, I can focus on writing about the positive stuff again.

One day at a time...grateful as always to all of you who share your smiles, hugs and presence with me and help make my life totally worth living. :)

A Super Sasha Story

A fun collaborative creation on a lazy Sunday morning.

Sasha says "let's make a book together!" She tells the tale. I write it out for her. She draws the pictures. She narrates while I film. I edit and post for your viewing pleasure.

Hope you enjoy "Super Sasha and the Power to Help"   : )

zombie talk

Over the long weekend we were lucky to have Keyan staying with us (while his parents enjoyed a weekend get-a-way they won in the folk fest raffle - remember you can't win if you don't play, hehe) and I particularly enjoyed a nice lazy Monday morning hanging out with him and Sasha.

While a birthday card is made (and I play with the camera), Sasha and Keyan talk about flowers, fairies, zombies, werewolves and ghosts. Then I had a little fun playing with the footage. The result: this cute moment in time you may enjoy : )

Tales of a Green City Racer

Tucked behind the the Great Northern Way campus, and the BCIT Green Roof Research Facility, you will find a new Evergreen project - an urban orchard!

 And here is where we began one of the most enjoyable and challenging family adventures ever!!

 I enlisted Mark and Sasha to join me on a team to compete in the inaugural Green City Race organized by Evergreen, which is one of my ultimate favourite environmental organizations that focuses on bringing all kinds of awesome greenery to cities and schools around Canada.

The little orchard just happened to have a small stage, so while we waited for the race to begin after registering, Sasha chose to pump us full of positive green energy with a spontaneous green song.




As the "Whittam Greens" our family joined 55 other racers (in teams of 2-3 people) on an Amazing Race style journey around Vancouver by foot and transit.

One of the organizers took to the stage next and shared a summary of the rules: After we complete the first challenge we will be given a bag full of clues, and other useful things we may need during the race - like a day pass for transit! Once you reach the destination of your first clue you will be able to answer the follow up question on the clue sheet. The answer to the question will some how reveal the number for your next clue. Keep going til you answer all your clues and make it to the finish line.

In between random clues there will be a couple of challenges for your team to complete before you can be given your next clue number.

There was a Hint Line we could call if we found ourselves stuck, but it costs you a few points. And we were not finished all of our clues by 2:30, we were to call this number for help to find our way to the finish line before time ran out.

Smart phones had been recommended because some clues would require internet access to solve, and the other option was to have someone you can call to help look things up for you. Our phones are pretty basic, so we went with option B and enlisted a few 'phone-a-friend' back up helpers for our team. (a couple of my Britannia co-workers and Marks library staff network)

With the race basics covered we were introduced to our very first challenge - plant an apple tree! As a team we had to dig a hole, plant the tree and make sure it was done right so when the volunteer checks your work the tree doesn't come out.
Done. Gravenstein now added to our list of apples to try. :)

Once we collected our bag of tricks we were on our way!

Another way of earning bonus points during the race was to capture a team member within a photo from a list of ideas they provided. The list included things like 'holding a reusable mug/drink container'. Have you ever seen this done with such pizazz?

Sasha earned us some extra funky points for poses like this one. ;)

We also captured 'using a cloth bag' and 'examples of recycling and garbage containers'. Yes, I actually had a reason to take pictures of these things this time! (unlike all the pics I've acquired over the years just because waste management and its various containers is a fascination of mine)

Our first clue was related to the number of goals in the Greenest City 2020 Action plan for Vancouver which I have read a bunch of times. If I had trusted my gut we could have saved a half hour of time getting to the destination pretty quick. However, once I second guessed myself we called for help and hearing conflicting info we took the Canada Line up to King Edward instead.

Another back up call ended up confirming my original instinct to the answer, and then we walked up Cambie back to where we should have been while enjoying the beautiful day and taking pics for bonus points as we strolled.

We found a coffee shop where we could get a pic of Sasha holding some 'fair trade coffee beans'  (sorry Kirsten! we didn't find any Cafe Etico while we raced around!)

More funky funk poses from Sasha with another garbage bin (I love these Big Belly solar compactors!), with an electric car power up station, and the food garden outside City Hall.

 

With this herb garden from the Green Streets program finally found, our next clue informed us we were up for a challenge on the lawn of City Hall. I wish I had a picture to show you from the water race we completed together as it was a lot of fun! Sasha and I first used our 4 hands to carry the bucket of water to the half way point of the field marked by flags to show the distances we had to travel. Once to the first flag I hopped on one foot with the bucket to the 2nd flag. Mark then ran around a tree with the bucket before all 3 of us ran back to the starting point.

(Update: my wish was granted by Evergreen who sent me pics of our family racing! yay! So here is your action shot!) 

Surprisingly, we barely lost any water and also earned a few points for funk and team spirit. Then they stamped our point collection sheet and gave us our next clue number. Our next clue took us to the Baxter House, a heritage house built in 1913 as the home for Truman S Baxter who was the mayor of Vancouver at that time.

This was when we ended up calling the hint line for help as we were having a difficult time finding the "sign of inspiration in the laneway" next to the heritage house that our clue eluded to. It didn't help that there was a garage sale going on before this door, as well as a construction fence. If we had walked further down the lane we eventually would have found this sign which says "Be the change you want to see in the world".(We did find it after we were told it was on a door a few garages in...oh. there it is!)

After a snack, some hydration and a few deep breaths to re-energize and get back into race mode we were on to solve the next clue which I figured would be found at the Neighbourhood Energy Utility serving Southeast False Creek down at the base of the Cambie Bridge.

As we made our way north it was awesome to stumble across a random flash mob practise by the latest artist installation by the Canada Line at Broadway.

The clue to find the energy station would have been tricky if I wasn't one of those people that actually explores the city web site in my spare time. (the site honestly has lots of interesting things to discover!) Especially around the time of the Olympics I was following development around Southeast False Creek (aka Olympic Village) so the energy plant was another thing I already investigated, and even visited on one of my walks along the sea wall. The little garden wasn't there when I check it out last time, and was a nice addition to the area.

 

Nearby we got this pic of Sasha pointing at an example of 'illegal dumping' off in the distance.

Here are 2 more of my fave bonus point photos we collected on our travels to the site of our next clue: 'gesture of thanks to a transit worker' and the 'random act of green kindness' we stumbled upon. Glad we were able to sign the petition from Youth for Climate Justice Now to stop the expansion of oil development on the coast, which is something we support completely.

Our next destination was the MOBY garden which I have been a fan of for years. Passing this garden once during a wave of negative emotion at the end of the civic strike (that had both Mark and I on the picket line for 3 months) re-inspired my hope that things can get better...even when it doesn't always feel like it. Genuine positive change is a generational struggle that will continue til we get it right, or we don't. Garden projects like MOBY are proof anything is possible when community organizes together, and provides plenty of reason for hope. And it has a cob building! C'mon. What's not to love about this place?

After the garden the next clue was to find out what kind of fruit Bandidas Taqueria has stopped serving because of its unsustainable food miles. I've yet to sample the food at this restaurant but have had it on my list of places to try for a long while as it is one of those places that emphasizes  local, organic, fair trade and every other ethical consideration we value when it comes to our food. And they support community groups and artists to boot. If you are curious about which fruit got the chop off their menu it is pineapple.

From there we were unable to decipher the next clue to find the spot for our last challenge of the race. Part of the clue we figured out was Germany with the help of two phone back ups (the question was to do with which country had the highest rate of solar energy per capita at 43%). But not even our super skilled librarian or community info staff contacts were able to figure out where in Vancouver we could find a plaza with connections to Germany and  'foursquare' based on the wording of the clue.

Thankfully for our intellectual egos, we found out at the end of the race that we were not the only ones who struggled with that one! Google really does work differently for everyone after all.

As it turns out there is a lovely garden by 29th Ave station called the German-Canadian Heritage Garden. One day we'll go check that out now that I know it exists. :)

So there was one clue and one challenge we didn't get done, but Mark quickly determined the solution to the final clue in our bag was the Woodwards building.

Back on the Skytrain and away we go to the finish line!

...and a final couple of bonus photos before we check in. "find a public water fountain' and 'leave a thank you note on the handlebar of a bicycle'. check and check. (Our note said "Thank you for riding your bicycle! Cheers to a greener world :D")

The Whittams Greens were not the first team in, but we also weren't the last!! Haza! Prizes were given for the team that brought the most funk to the race - undeniably the Loraxettes (we speak for the trees!)  and for the top 2 teams which scored insanely high points overall and mastered the race in every way.  I loved that the trophies were repurposed trinkets from thrift stores, while the prize gifts were things like eco spa packages. Quality where it matters ;)

After 3 1/2 hours as Green City Racers we were exhilerated and exhausted. The journey was intense yet totally wonder-full!! Our goal when we began was to simply enjoy the challenge, see how many clues we could solve before time was up, explore and learn some cool things about green initiatives in our great city. This mission was completed with gusto! We got to play in a friendly competition with passionate keen-to-be-green folks, put our critical thinking skills to work, visit some of the spots we already love, find many new things we didn't know about, got a dose of history and a dose of a visionary green future...and plenty of sunshine and exercise!

We learned more about how we work together as a team and are more aware of our strengths and weaknesses. (you'd think after all our years together that we would have figured out how to avoid getting cranky with each other under pressure...but we sure have gotten better at getting over it quickly, lol) Next year we will have a smart phone with us for sure, as I found there were a few things I could have easily found with internet at my fingertips. We are full of gratitude for all the help we did get by phone as it was nice of people to share their time to help the Whittam Greens make it to the next level of the race. (Sandy and Kia, you rock ladies!) It broadened our team and added to the overall race experience.

At the end of it all, the best part for Sasha was that they awarded her a small trophy for being the youngest racer (the only child actually) to complete the Green City Race! She was totally overjoyed! While waiting for the bus home she says "mommy please take a picture of me loving my trophy". ummm, ok.

 

We are totally looking forward to racing around town again next year in the 2nd Annual Green City Race, and hope you will join us for the fun. Gotta warn you though...the Whittam Greens will be upping the funk factor, and if we have our own smart phone (like everyone else)  we know we've actually got what it takes to win it next time! Win or not, it has proven to be a fabulous family fun adventure indeed! :D

Many thanks to all the great staff and volunteers at Evergreen for their hard work pulling off a terrific event! Cheers to all of you from the

school daze

This was taken last September on Sasha's first day of kindergarten as we walked to school with a couple of our friendly neighbours. Orion is her bestie, and I'm happy his mom Keely is a friend of mine as well. At this point, he is also the boy she wants to marry. When she's not declaring she's done with him.  ;)

A lot has changed since my last post just before her 4th birthday, while many things have stayed the same. I have started many posts but never finished any of them. They may start appearing as tales buried in the past, and only those of you who really want to find the hidden treasure will.

But honestly, there are so many things to share from the past 2 years I will likely never get around to that. I'm focusing on the future and all that lays ahead now that Sasha has begun her public school experience. I have a whole post worth of thoughts to share on her time at Mt Pleasant Elementary so far, but for now I want you to know that we couldn't have found a better teacher for her if we tried, and all the parents and staff we have met have been great! It is really an awesome neighbourhood school. :)

I need to pinch myself every day when I get overwhelmed by my gratitude for the uber community we have been able to find within our co-op, her school and beyond. You can tell when I start gushing that I'm full of things to say...so I'll leave it with - I'm thankful.

If you ever want to hear about the year I worked a wig shop, the Tourism Challenge epic urban hikes and family adventures of 2010 and 2011, our Circle Farm tours around the lower mainland every summer, adventures with Oma, and life in general over this lost time period with our Whittam clan...well, give me a call, drop me a line, invite us for a meal, and we can regale each other with stories galore.

This year is another bound to be full of adventure, and I'm also back into writing mode with many hats to share perspectives from. This blog is for all my rants, raves and ponderings that don't fit into my writing for the Educate Me Documentary Project (launching our new social media campaign soon) and my new role as the Britannia Green Team Co-ordinator. Still juggling some auxilary hours as cashier/clerical staff and at the museum so there is never a dull moment in my work life with every day holding something different.

Education and all things green continue to consume my thinking and therefore these thoughts are likely to make frequent guest appearances here. Just part of who I am. But this blog is mainly for reflections on family adventures, community a plenty, creative tangents. We are a family that loves to explore our local world and that introduces us to many things that get me thinking...so I have lots of things I want to write about that simply don't fit elsewhere.

Katmar Baby is really about entertaining the friends and family who love us warts and all (well, we don't actually have any warts at this point, but we certainly aren't perfect...nor do we want to be). Some of you have pestered me to come back to this creative writing outlet because you miss my written ramblings.

I hope you handful of fabulous encouraging folks (and mom, of course) enjoy. ;)